Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
