She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
