You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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