So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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