her body is proportioned like a family guy character
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize