so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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