Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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