I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
