he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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