i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
