My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
