She is in my trunk
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
