I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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