Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize