I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Drake has all the answers
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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