I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
