She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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