Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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