i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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