All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
please come you make the beer taste better
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You're like the curious george of whores
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i think im in europe. pls send help
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
