she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You are a genius and a whore.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
