Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
