I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
