my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
