just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
