woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
