I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
