4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
