Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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