I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
