I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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