Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
