I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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