Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
