this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
