I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
