Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
