I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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