I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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