I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
