I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
