then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
