I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
