My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
