yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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