Swine flu. Run for my life!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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