Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
