i wish my penis had a tongue
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
