guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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