I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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