Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
