plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
