Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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