Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
