she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
