You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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