I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
