I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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