hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
