if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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