At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
