i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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