I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
