I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
